The Matsukos I've Seen
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The first time I heard about this movie was probably around 2014. At the time, a young girl, who is a friend of my ex-girlfriend, had her WeChat name as "Matsuko Kawajiri(川尻松子)," which is the name of the film's protagonist. Looking back, she was also a girl who needed to learn how to love herself. I will discuss her in more detail below.
I spent my last two decades in China in Tianjin, a city just a half-hour train ride from the capital, Beijing. There, I encountered many Matsukos.
Some of them were my friends, some were my ex-girlfriends, and even more were people who sought psychological help.
While watching this movie, one person kept appearing in my mind, along with a sentence I wanted to say to her:
"You really should start learning to love yourself."
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(Spoiler Alert)
This is a musical film with intense visuals, vibrant colors, and beautiful yet sorrowful music. The actors' performances are very delicate. You can feel the characters' emotions in every subtle expression and movement.
I would recommend this movie to all my female friends.
Matsuko is a strong and brave woman. She was born into a problematic family, but through her efforts, she secured a stable career and social status. She is kind-hearted, but she doesn't know how to love herself and lacks principles. Throughout her life, she is hurt by various people, enduring much misfortune and suffering.
Matsuko is a pitifully good person. She spends her life pursuing love and happiness. As I watched the film, several faces kept appearing in my mind.
(End of Spoilers)
(The following section will be better understood after you've seen the movie.)
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Matsuko 1: LLJ
She was born in a remote city with extremely strict parents. Her parents had high expectations of her and were always critical. Her father had difficulty controlling his emotions, while her mother was relatively gentle but equally hopeless about life.
(After writing about a few Matsukos, I realize that her parents were actually the most normal by comparison.)
LLJ had a highly rebellious personality. Since starting college, she distanced herself from her hometown and moved to the big city Tianjin. She has experienced failed relationships and marriage, and she rarely trusts anything around her. However, she is deeply convinced by the various false information on the internet (of course, that was in China). She lacks the ability to discern the quality of information, and she also lacks emotional control. She is a deeply scarred individual. I can see all her wounds and must handle my interactions with her carefully.
She works in small business and customer service, dealing with many low-quality customers (again, that was in China). Her heart is filled with hostility, and this anger sometimes leads to emotional outbursts. Occasionally, this anger would be transfered to me. I still vividly remember her shouting at me and even hitting me in a fit of rage. Although she wasn't strong enough to physically harm me, she did hurt my heart. Unfortunately, while I could calm many people's emotions, it does not work for her. All I could do was try to protect both and ensure that neither of us got physically hurt.
Her anger stemmed from the negative emotions in her work environment and her despair about the societal environment. I could understand that, so I would avoid such environments as much as possible, rather than subject myself to daily anger.
Now, she has married to Japan, just like another friend I know (another Matsuko, but I won’t write about her today). To be honest, I don't have high hopes for either of these marriages (the other one has already escalated to severe domestic violence against her husband). Both of these Matsukos are in their 40s, and if they chose marriage for the sake of obtaining Japanese residency, I’m not sure if they still have the strength to recover from another destruction.
I don't understand what kind of anger and loss of control could lead the wife to wield a knife against her husband. Then, my thoughts wandered to one more Matsuko, but I won’t write about her today either. I also can't comprehend how these two husbands can continue to live their lives as if nothing happened.
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Matsuko 2: CHUN
LLJ hardly had any friends other than her. The three of us often had dinner together, and for LLJ, we were probably the only twos who could make her smile genuinely.
CHUN was born into a single-parent family and cut ties with her father at an early age. Her mother's personal life was chaotic, which made CHUN quite indifferent towards herself, meaning she didn’t love herself.
Although she was still a minor, she had already been to smoking and drinking. I'm not sure if she had also encountered dangerous men, but once, she was almost sexually assaulted when she was on her way home at midnight.
I'm not saying her morals were definitely bad ---- she was independent and brave (the person who tried to sexually assault her paid a bloody price) ---- I'm just pointing out that such dangers could have been avoided.
When CHUN and LLJ would chat at home after dinner, I usually went back to my room to give them some privacy.
From what LLJ told me, they would often discuss their hatred towards men, believing that most men were despicable. Fortunately, I wasn't included in that group; I was only occasionally annoying (thank you for the compliment).
Honestly, I didn’t like them discussing such things together, as LLJ wasn’t the good at discerning the quality of information. While I respected her right to choose her friends, I also reminded her not to be influenced by bad habits.
Looking back now, they were both full of negative emotions, and being together only intensified those feelings.
(Today, ten years later, the gender divide in Chinese society has become deeply entrenched; perhaps it started back then.)
Later, CHUN got herself a girlfriend (she could never fall in love with a man), and after I lost contact with LLJ, we didn't stay in touch either.
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Matsuko 3: The Girl Who On My Final Night in China
On my final night in China, I encountered a stranger girl. I have recorded this experience in detail here.
In short, she had been emotionally deceived and running to a group of stranger men's house in the middle of the night, where her phone was stolen by a man later.
Fortunately, it was just her phone that she lost, and she wasn't physically harmed ---- something that was a small blessing in an unfortunate situation. But what she cared about most was the iPhone she had recently bought.
This girl left me with my final impression of China: a person who didn't love herself and who didn’t understand what really mattered.
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Matsuko 4: S
She is the one I don’t want to mention but can’t forget. Even though I am mature enough then, I exhausted all my strength on her.
As a friend once said, I’m the type of person who would put the world at the feet of the one I love.
S was born in a poor rural village, she didn’t even have shoes to wear. I can't bring myself to describe her parents here because she should have deserved more love. I couldn’t bear to delve into her past either, so I’m not entirely familiar with the specifics of her childhood.
Unlike the previous Matsuko figures who gave up on life, she was determined to change her circumstances. She studied relentlessly, eventually leaving that village to attend a university in the big city. She graduated and got married, and it seemed like everything was going smoothly. Though only she knew the struggles she endured behind the scenes.
She loves China and believes in all the propaganda of the Communist Party, including the idea that “hard work will yield good results,” without considering whether the direction is right or whether the information she’s receiving is true.
She had a bit of an inferiority complex that I noticed when we first got together. She didn’t quite believe me when I said that the parts of her she saw as flaws were, to me, incredibly endearing.
Perhaps she had heard too few compliments growing up, but she was strong and sought others’ approval through hard work. Despite being an outstanding person, she constantly put pressure on herself.
I soon noticed these issues and realized that she didn’t know how to love herself. She always claimed to be very independent, but from my perspective, her life was a mess before I came along.
After resolving several crises, I pleaded with her to learn how to love herself. I told her that although I was willing, I couldn’t be by her side 24/7 to take care of and protect her. She needed to learn to love herself.
When I eventually realized that my entire life revolved around her and that I hadn’t made any personal progress during those years, I knew something was wrong. I had to refocus my energy on my own goal, but I still didn’t give up on her, hoping she would eventually understand and improve. But in the end, that never happened.
Looking back now, I see that she never truly enjoyed her childhood. When she finally found relaxation with me, she stopped taking responsibility for herself because I was there to take care of her.
She is beautiful, kind, hardworking, adorable, graceful, and deeply cultured. But I truly wish she could have her own thoughts and time, to love herself more and take responsibility for her own life. I once put in so much effort, hoping we could share our lives together. I pray for her and hope that she is going well now.
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Matsuko 5: CAOER
As I was preparing to write this article, a fifth Matsuko emerged.
She is a childhood friend of mine, who through her hard work and dedication, became a doctor ---- a truly remarkable and gentle woman. But now, she is filled with despair and hatred.
We have lived in different cities for many years and haven't chatted regularly for over a decade. Recently, she faced some pressure, and we've been chatting a lot these past few days.
Over the years, she has run her own clinic, achieving some success. I always thought she was living a busy and happy life. But to my surprise, she said, "Even though I'm living with someone, it feels like I'm living alone."
She assumed that I must be lonely living alone in the U.S., but in reality, though single, I am far from lonely. My friends, colleagues, members of my church and the Taiko club are all very good to me, I live a happy life every day.
Recently, her husband was hospitalized due to health issues, and she has been suffering from insomnia for two months on the verge of insanity. She takes care of him, yet she curses him to die. In fact, he doesn't care about his own health ---- his unhealthy lifestyle and smoking and drinking have ruined him.
I don't understand why they still can't just let each other go. I didn't judge or say anything; I just felt sad.
She wants to borrow my shoulder to cry, but I can't do that now. All I can do is chat with her, at least to prevent her from feeling alone.
I recommended this movie to her, and she said she would start loving herself in the future. I hope she truly means it and that it’s not just an illusion that she won’t actually follow through on.
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Matsuko 6: The Girl Who Self-Harmed After a Breakup
Matsuko 7: The Woman Who Worked So Hard but Ended Up in the Hospital
Matsuko 8: The Woman Who Endured Domestic Violence Yet Still Stayed
...
The list of Matsukos keeps growing. When I close my eyes, I can see them vividly as they were at those times. But I don’t want to continue writing anymore.
In my view, since they were born in this big city (or have come to live here through their own efforts), they should have basic critical thinking and judgment skills. But why did they all become Matsukos?
Many years ago, I said,
"I am not afraid of being alone, but I fear being in a relationship where I still feel lonely. "
That is the limit of what I can imagine, yet the lives of the examples above are even more cruel, involving even blood harm, and they still can't awaken. Why is that?
I now believe this is caused by Chinese culture.
A significant part of traditional Chinese culture is rooted in "Confucianism" (the same goes for Japan; otherwise how could a woman like Matsuko emerge?). It does have many positive values, such as emphasizing education (although this is also used for indoctrination) and valuing family (though it also emphasizes gender inequality)... However, in my opinion, its impact is mostly negative.
- Confucianism emphasizes hierarchical relationships, such as those between ruler and subject, father and son, insisting that relationships must be built on a strict social order. It demands unconditional obedience from children to their parents (so-called "filial piety"), which in turn restricts individual freedom.
- Confucianism also stresses stability and harmony, suppressing individuality and innovation.
- Confucianism prioritizes collective interests (the state's) over individual interests, requiring individuals to sacrifice their rights for the sake of the collective.
- Confucianism promotes patriarchy and male dominance, placing women in subordinate positions, where wives are expected to obey and depend on their husbands.
I've always considered these aspects of the culture to be garbage. Unfortunately, majority Chinese people not only adhere to these cultural, but take pride in them.
I've always said that if a person doesn't love themselves, they can't truly love others. If a person doesn't take responsibility for themselves, they can't be responsible for others.
When I was in China, some people dismissed this as "selfish", and I didn't want to argue with them ---- I'm used to being an outlier in China. Now that I'm living in the U.S., where the values differ greatly from those before, I find myself fitting in much more. Contrary to what some in China might believe, we're not selfish here. We help and love each other.
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Now, looking back at the current situation in China from across the Pacific, I can only sigh.
I can't blame these women too harshly. Raised under Confucianism culture and subjected to brainwashing education, they can only accept such a fate. (And their previous generation lived the same way).
A few Matsukos manage to escape their original families, but after establishing their own families, they turn into Matsukos themselves because the environment of the entire country is just like that.
Matsuko said, "Even being beaten is better than being alone," and "It doesn't matter, as long as I'm not alone, as long as I'm far from home." People from problematic families often have a strong desire for love, often placing the meaning of their existence in others. This aligns with the traits of the Enneagram Type 2 personality, which I’ve studied and might write about it in the future.
The best outcome for these women is like Sawamura Megumi ---- another female character in the film. She, doesn’t know how to love herself either, but after experiencing great setbacks, she gradually moves towards a "relatively healthy" life. Despite all her mistakes, she manages to find some form of self-rescue, and I admire her for that. Women like Matsuko, who don't love themselves, are the kind I would want to care for deeply, but only if they first learn to love themselves.
I’ve watched this movie four times in the last three months, and every time, I uncover new insights and details, and move me to tears. Movies that make me laugh might not stay with me, but those that move me to tears always leave a deep impression, and most of them are great films. I kept telling myself I needed to write this article, and here it is.
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P.S. There’s also scenes in the movie involving the Bible, which has inspired me to write another article about my journey with Christianity. Also, as a film enthusiast, I wrote quite a few film reviews on my old blog, maybe it’s time to dig them up and revisit those early, somewhat naive writings.
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